Gifted Giving is 99% luck and 1% inspiration. It is often very difficult to find that perfect gift for that perfect person who appears to have everything and wants for nothing. The sad fact is that when you reach a certain age you either have nearly everything you want or what you really want isn’t good for you.
I guess we have all heard that deadly sentence “You are such a hard person to buy for, you’ve got everything”. If only they knew; so you end up with that expensive but hardly exciting gift of cashmere socks or Hermes scarf or gardening voucher or Dead Sea Bath Salts. The list of this type of gift is endless.
I was casually flipping through a magazine today and came across an ad for a magnetic pain relieving device and I am not sure why but I laughed. I immediately visualised that person who has everything opening up a beautifully wrapped gift on that special occasion just to find ….wait for it…………a magnetic bracelet that promises pain relief from everything from arthritis to aching joints, severe cramps, depression and hangovers. It was not really a laughing matter if you suffer from these conditions but I do have a slightly anarchic sense of humour.
Then I was really on a trip and doing mental somersaults around other gifts of a similar nature. How about a token for laser eye surgery from someone with romantic but blurred vision? How about a brightly coloured stair lift with reversible crimson satin and zebra print cushions? Designer incontinence pads in a variety of neon colours and jungle prints. What will you give me for a musical Zimmer frame, accessorised with short safety ribbons and jingling bells? Can’t you just see a plastic commode with built in flashing lights to tell you when you have finished; complete it with a self emptying valve which fills and seals biodegradable pouches. Oh dear, my whole gift giving life is about to change. I feel designer mode coming on.
For the not so nimble fingers a lip stencil for that La Lumley pout every time. How about, for that very special person, a new titanium patella joint with an original etching?
Why don’t we turn present giving for the more mature right around and stand it on its head. For example, I know that my 84-year-old mother wears underwear of only white or natural hues but I bet she would love some red silk knickers. My favourite about to retire orthopaedic surgeon has had enough of Harrods Hampers, I am sure he would like a full body aromatherapy massage from that clever girl at the natural health clinic. The comely one; well rounded girl. My best mate whose age I would not dare reveal has had enough of handbags, perfume, diamonds and even expensive kitsch so how about arranging a karaoke night for her with, by special invitation and bribery, the pop star (or look-alike) of her fantasies. What about the gift of a gigolo for an evening for that desperate divorcee/widow we all know who would like to spit in the eyes of her married friends just once, Dear Lord, just once.
Subscriptions. Now there is a deadly word. Conjures up all kinds of sensible subjects from Gardening, to crocheting and travel; Love Up your PC and Cat Breeding for Retired School Teachers. I think we ought to give our younger children and friends subscriptions for The Oldie and SAGA mags so they can get an insight into how our minds may work and to our older pals subs for European Erotica, Travels with my Vibrator and How To Buy A Joint in seventy different languages. Out with our middle class classics and in with CD’s by Aphex Twin or Alias or Boards of Canada? Who? I don’t know, go buy one and discover your inner teenager. That tattoo you always wanted but were too hidebound to have? Give yourself a present. Get a tattoo, a real one and not one of those poncey stick on jobs. Have an exquisite star tattooed on the base of your pinkie, your husband, wife or lover’s name in beautiful script on your instep.
Write a poem for a friend, lover or enemy and be bold enough to frame it and give it. The perfect gift for your exhibitionist mate? A naturist weekend – pack only imagination. For an uptight uncle, a chanting Buddhist weekend in deepest darkest Devon. For the stressed out executive let’s give an hour in a flotation tank. For the perfectionist pal who is always exquisitely turned out, a paint ball party. The ultimate gift for an ageing hippie with a bad memory, a ticket to Glastonbury.
What to give on a budget? Plenty. First find embarrassing photo of birthday/anniversary person. Second take to Tesco’s Bakery Department where for a nominal sum it can be transferred onto icing and thence to cake. Voila, laughs all round. How clever are you with your pc? How about customising T-shirts…………they might only be worn once but forever give pleasure in the duster drawer. Give a pal a poker lesson. Bugger the beggar that brought you Bridge. Throw an Ann Summers party – forget the Tupperware. Paint someone’s toenails for them, lurid pink or tarty red – male or female, always good for a giggle. Buy ten fun postcards and stamp them first class, tie with ribbon and give, give. Plant a tree – not expensive, lasts forever and is environmentally friendly. Packet some favourite saved seeds with planting instructions - throw in some potting compost and present them already pricked out! Better still plant them up. Create a joke book and write in it some of the best and worst jokes you have ever heard (or can remember).
There is another solution to the whole gift-giving problem. Make a donation to a favourite charity. Not exciting but noble. The thing is that we all probably give to charity in one way or another, possibly have done for years so the givers’ ‘feel good factor’ is missing. Last Christmas two pals got goats in Africa and a very lucky friend a clean well in Pakistan. Check out the Charity web pages.
Why do we give? Is the pleasure of giving greater than that of receiving? I think it is, so essentially we are talking about selfishness here, not selflessness. We give to bring pleasure to someone else and that pleasure they show is actually a gift back to ourselves. The perfect circle. So shall we keep on giving? Shall we give until we drop? Let’s use more imagination, less credit card. More laughter, less cynicism. More creativity, less “anything will do”. Let’s give love; it is usually free and in plentiful supply. We all possess it in abundant measures, should part freely with more of it can never receive enough of it. Love. Conditional or unconditional. The perfect gift. For every occasion.
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